My friends and I are planning to attend the wedding of a close friend. As far as we know, the engaged couple have always seemed happy together and a good fit for each other.
Strangely, we have all received a letter from our friend’s father (who somehow found our addresses) explaining why he, our friend’s mother and her brother would not be attending her wedding. He wrote that they think her fiancé has brainwashed her to defer all decisions to him. He said he did not think her fiancé was respectful of her career interests and that they were rushing into their marriage. He also felt that the fiancé hadn’t been respectful to him or his wife.
For context, both our friend and her fiancé are in professional careers that require postgraduate education, so this is not a situation where either would be expected to be a stay-at-home parent. The father had raised his concerns with her, and at the end of his letter, he asked that, if possible, we mention our understanding of his concerns to his daughter, which sounded sincere.
We don’t know our friend’s father, but until now she has always seemed to have a good relationship with him, and he sounds like a dad looking out for his daughter. Our question is what, if anything, should we do? Please advise. — Name Withheld
From the Ethicist:
Fathers who think their daughters are marrying the wrong man: It’s one of those tropes of popular culture that seem based on something real. And there are times when father does know best. But you might approach this father’s letter with a measure of skepticism. For one thing, it’s awfully controlling, not to say malicious, to undermine a wedding in this way, presumably after having failed to stop it. You can wonder whether there’s something defective about their relationship. He was certainly entitled to share his concerns with her — just as she, having heard him out, was entitled to proceed with the wedding plans. So why the letter?
There’s no reason to think that hearing her friends discuss his concerns would change her mind, so mainly what he’s doing is poisoning the atmosphere of this celebration. Is misguided pride playing a role? It’s true that the absence of the bride’s father (along with her mother and brother) would be noticed. The bride will have a story as to why, probably an unflattering one. But her father doesn’t even know you — it shouldn’t be of great concern to him whether you’ve heard his side of the story.
Maybe he wants you to be alert to signs of trouble. Still, nothing you’ve seen so far has worried you about her safety or her well-being. She’s a close friend of yours; you would know if she were, say, making perplexing career decisions. So try to avoid getting enlisted in the complicated family dynamics here.
And if everything the father says is true, and she comes to realize that she has made a mistake? With her education she’s likely to be able to start a career later if she chooses. But now, as she celebrates her marriage, the best thing friends can do is to be there — a source of well-wishing, affirmation and support.
Readers Respond
The previous question was from a reader living in Evanston, Ill., who was unsure how to handle a homeless person’s sleeping in the vestibule of his or her apartment building. The reader wrote: “I’m a college student living off campus in a lovely old apartment in a relatively upper-class suburb of a major U.S. city. Recently, a homeless man has been sleeping in the unlocked vestibule of my building. … Once, I ordered delivery, and my food went missing; I assumed he took it. … There are nights when I come home late and I have to walk over him, hoping not to wake him. From seeing him around town, I think the man is mentally ill, but to my knowledge, he hasn’t directly harmed any person in the building. I don’t want to call the police on someone who may already be in or is likely to be shuffled into the carceral system — he and I are both Black, and the town and university are predominantly white. It feels disgusting to me to kick someone out of this modest form of shelter while I have housing. What should I do?”
In his response, the Ethicist noted: “The situation you’re dealing with is far larger than that vestibule. Municipalities across the country haven’t created enough affordable housing; our social-assistance systems, at every level, haven’t been given the resources to look after people whose mental illness hinders them from looking after themselves. We don’t have enough shelters for those who need them, and the conditions in those we have are often such that people on the streets don’t look forward to spending time in them. But what can you do? A few things. You can get in touch with a community-outreach organization and see if it can connect this man with services and help him make alternate arrangements. You can confer with other tenants in your building to find out what insights or concerns they may have. And you can talk to your landlord or building manager about putting a lock on the vestibule, and maybe arranging a parcel locker for deliveries. The truth is, though, that anything that counts as a solution for you is likely to be a problem for him, at least in the short term.” (Reread the full question and answer here.)
The Ethicist is totally correct. Our government and our society have failed both the writer and homeless people, especially those with mental illness. The writer lives in Evanston, just north of Chicago, which provides a wonderful resource for advice and possible answers. Call the Night Ministry, which focuses on the homeless and their needs and is a fabulous organization. Do it immediately. Another resource is the Chicago Coalition for the Homeless. — Jan
The well-intended person who does not wish to evict the homeless person sleeping in his vestibule might want to start by introducing himself and talking with him. Once that basic foundation of human interaction is achieved, then the letter writer can make a better determination as to what he can or should do, based in part upon what the person actually wants. Once they have established a rapport, it will also be easier for the letter writer to address safety concerns, missing packages, and errant food deliveries with him. It is not enough to regard him as a human being — try treating him as you would a neighbor about whom you have similar concerns. It may come to pass that his presence discourages more malicious folks from hanging out in the vestibule. And while it is very hard for even trained professionals to make an assessment of a person’s propensity for future dangerousness, at least having regular interactions with him will either put the letter writer’s mind at ease about safety, or provide some objective basis for concern. I have found that treating the undomiciled simply as neighbors in need makes everyone’s life happier. — Ron
I appreciate the nuance of both the letter writer and the Ethicist. It feels good to know I’m not the only one struggling with this. A homeless couple has been spending nights at the top of my apartment building’s staircase. Given the national political landscape around homelessness, I feel guilty just thinking about getting the couple to leave. The letter writer and the Ethicist showed me there’s a reason homelessness is so ever-present: solving it is complex and likely requires sacrifices from everyone. — Beau
I feel the Ethicist left out another option: leave the man alone. The letter writer did not identify a single issue this man has caused, aside from his or her assumption the man stole their food. Considering any action the letter writer takes is likely to result in more harm in the man’s life than stepping over a sleeping person harms the letter writer’s life, just leave him be.— Sativa
I appreciated the Ethicist’s response that we all have let this conscientious student down and, by extension, the person who has been forced to live in a building lobby because of the lack of affordable housing. Somewhere along the way our society has decided housing is a privilege, not a right. Shame on us. The city of Evanston is attempting to make affordable housing a priority, although that is a project that will take years before an impact is felt. In the meantime, there is an organization the student can reach out to called Connections for the Homeless. They are using creative and humane approaches to care for those without a safe place to live. Learning about these kinds of organizations in our own communities is a small step; most important is speaking up with our local governments to advocate for the need for housing for every resident. — Marianne
